Living and Dying by the Sr. Master Chief’s Rule

The Senior Master Chief’s Rule (SMCR), is probably one of the single most important theorems for a young man living abroad. Maybe it is the most important for a young man living anywhere. Unlike most rules it is simple and self-explanatory, “Never pass up a piece of ass. You will never get it again.” At the beginning, this seems a simple truth, until it strikes you that it is more than just about ass. (Not really.)

The SMCR shares many similarities to more famous life theorems, “Neube sub ube”, “Carpe Diem” or “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife.” Literary or philosophical criticism of the SMCR as a theorem is far from the scope of this document. It can never be a bad thing to keep this rule in mind. It will lead to many adventures hidden from revelries of tourists and even frequent visitors.

Since arriving, a constant stream stories about the activities of young and middle-aged locals bombards my ears and mailbox alike. Initially the stream was unbelievable, but now it is just the way it is. A common version of Czech monogamy is not defined as one partner for a long time. It is more closely defined as “one partner at a time.” This does lead to interesting interactions between people. Sex is more like a big hug than some mind-altering religious experience for which it is constantly billed in the USA. Those “randy” Czechs got it right.

In my experience, most sexual concepts and tenets are different than in the USA. I have not heard an abstinence argument in school, where a brothel (privát), tobacco shop (tabák) and a liquor store (also found in a tabák, Czechs have “one-stop shopping” too) have are on the way to and from the elementary school. Condoms are openly for sale on almost every street corner, public space and mass transit station. Do not misread this, but the average 15 year old Czech girl gets more action than Ron Jeremy.

Lucky for Czech boys, the girls want it almost anywhere, and are not shy about location, time or position. When these teenagers get older it does not seem to stop, and why should it. Maybe western women should take note of how it is done in Central Europe. It would make going to church on Sunday a lot more interesting and probably reduce the number of headaches on Wednesday night. Apologies to Advil stock owners.

A corollary to this rule does exist, “Never kick a drunken Czech girl out of bed.” It does not need explanation either. She will make it up to you in the morning.