Ugly Thursday, Eggs and Whips

What makes a great holiday? Religious references, bank and governmental closures are all nice things, but they do not make a great holiday. Extra money in a paycheck also helps, but it is not the key. A truly great holiday can mix all of these, overt sexual references and a national panty raid. In Japan, there are several interesting holidays. Some even might be excellent, but none are great. Japanese men by the hundreds ride down a hill on a wicker log in their underwear, during one of their excellent holidays. Certainly hundreds of naked Japanese men and their large grass phallus is not an academic try to be a great holiday. It lacks a magnitude that five million Czech men chasing women with their hand-woven whips has. The fact that they do it for the ladies’ hair bows; certainly sets a high standard.

Easter week, in Czech starts on Green Wednesday. Across the country all of the schools let the kids out. Traditionally, village men collect the branches and things they will need to build the noise makers and polaská. Polaská, the Czech Easter whips, are the way to start a good holiday. Polaská are made by the men of the village from several small limbs and vines woven together. The whips are usually up to 3 ft (1m) long. Like everything else, some men have bigger “whips” than others. Their description is more medieval sounding than the actually are, but they are far from harmless. Village men are not the only ones working, village women are busily collecting things to decorate eggs and make baskets.

Ugly Thursday, is the day the men help the boys weave their whips and the women help the girls make their baskets. On Good Friday, the boys walk through the villages at dusk offering to scare the bad spirits away by screaming, shaking their rattles and threatening them with their whips. If the boys do a good job, the family receiving their services gives them a treat or a coin. All day Friday the girls are still working on their baskets and eggs. Their eggs and baskets take a great deal of skill and time, and truly great eggs can not be rushed like the polaská.

Czech egg traditions are certainly something to be seen. Intricately cut eggshells died, painted or simply white are hand-made and displayed in houses and windows across the country. Women and girls decorate the countryside with colorful ribbons and eggs. In an intriguing display of equality, Czech girls do not just lie down and let the boys take the spotlight. The women and girls go their villages on Saturday, displaying the eggs and baskets. If she did a good job, then she gets a treat or a coin. In the smaller villages in Moravia, this is an important tradition to the girls and they put a great deal of effort into creating artistic and skillful decorations. In the bigger cities, it is not so common. Ribbons and eggs decorate the city, even if the idea of going from flat to flat seems particularly un-Czech.

What the Czechs do on Sunday seems kind of a mystery, but they probably go visit Babička and Dědiček, grandma and grandpa. The real proof for the “great” status of this celebration is on Monday. With so few national holidays during the year, they get as many together as they can. On Easter Monday, it is a good day to be a man. Conversely, it is bad to be a girl’s butt. Czech men and boys patrol town stalking the women. There are stories about how the polaska will chase the bad spirits out of the women.

A few playful swats usually scare the spirits away. Usually, it gets you a shot of Becherovka or slivka and the ribbon from their hair for your polasko. By mid-afternoon the whole situation degrades into roving bands of men and boys rounding up randy girls and women for a bit of playful S & M and lots of drunken laughs. If all of these traditions did not make it a great holiday, leave it to the Czech men to “raise the bar.” No real Czech man would ever leave his favorite girl with just scared spirits, it is just not right. The job must be finished properly; she needs to be doused to wash the last of the spirits from her. Any lake or fountain will do. The wetter she gets the more the spirits understand. They need to know who the boss is and that they are getting their walking papers until next year. By the end of the day, particularly successful village boys will have covered their polaská with hair bows. Some of the village girls have to buy extra bows, judging from some of the whips, whip sluts. We know they only wear their best bows on the days they know they will be “whipped.” How can a holiday with whips, eggs, grandpa’s slivka and mom’s řízek not be great?

Riding the Night Tram

Ex-pat life in Prague usually implies “life without a car.” An important consideration then becomes the night tram and bus lines. At the stroke of midnight, the metros stop running. It can be a scary feeling to face a cab ride home drunk. Foreigner cab fares are calculated differently than they are for Czechs. For sure, the rate per kilometer is different after midnight for everyone. The saving grace for the Czech mass transit system, Metro Hlavni Dopravy (MHD), is after the metro stops there are hourly tram and busses to fill in to keep the city moving. The Prague MHD is a good system, and a three-month pass is only 1150 czk. A bargain considering that four stops on the metro is 12czk per trip.

When you select a place to live it is important to keep things like the night routes in mind. Life will be easier if you know you can get home even if you have to wait in the cold for an hour on the next night bus. After a single party in Dejvicka runs over and you are trying to find a way home half bombed out of your mind on home-made Balzams.

The first place I lived in Prague was in the middle of downtown. So I never used the metro at all. It was a close walk from almost anywhere I needed to go and it just was an unnecessary expense on such a tight budget. My second place was in the second ring of town. Inevitably, I became a daily metro commuter. Sure it did chop down some of the party nights trying to rush to the metro by the stroke of midnight. An early night was better than waiting on the night bus in the 0F (-20C) weather.

Sometimes in Prague I have been lucky, and others I have not. When I got a place only two metro stops from work I was lucky, and that it was on the night bus line as well was doubly lucky. Life is never so easy. Hlavní Nadraží, main train station is the best known gay pickup place in Prague. It is pretty easy to find couples fooling- around in the bushes all around the station after hours. I am all for a guy’s right to chose how he likes to get his, but I am still not so interested in being a voyeur to such activities.

I should not be so upset to find the closest stop down town for my night bus is at Hlavní Nadraží. On one of my first trips home on the “Prague Gay Train”, I found out why I should have been more concerned. It turns out that the train station is not the pickup place, the busses that stop there are. After a few stops on the night bus, the hand on your ass probably will not be a pick pocket. It may belong to someone much harder to deal with. I have not had any violent problems with this crowd. Guys are guys, and horny guys have a hard time taking no for an answer.

Just do your homework and live near a night tram or bus line. Make sure that the half-drunk ride home will be no more exciting than you are expecting. There is no good substitute for adequate preparation, unless of course it is preparation-H. On my night bus, Preparation-H seems more like a pickup line.

Of Supermodel Farms and Czech Asses

One of the most striking things about the Czech Republic is the women. Everywhere has women; it is not that simply, a summer trip to Prague or Brno is an inspiring experience. You can barely cross the street without seeing a woman that will make you double check. Tourists are easy to see, they are the people on the street who look like sprinklers. Their arms raised turning slowly as they walk down the street.

I am not talking two or three, but it seems that Czech women have it in their “jeans”, sorry “genes”. They are tall, well-proportioned, thin and have amazing skin. It is almost funny to see a Czech woman with a tan because it is so unusual in the sea of alabaster. They do not eat anything special and by nutritional standards they eat pretty poorly, just like everyone else. Czechs eat a large amount of junk food, chips chocolate, pudding and they drink beer like it is going out of style. It is hard to believe that they can keep such amazing figures with such dietary regimens.

It is not to say that many Czech women do not have good dietary habits, many can give lectures on “How to be Full on Just one Apple” or “Yogurt and Beer: Healthy, Fruity and Full of B Vitamins”. The sheer number of these supermodels on the streets leads me to believe that there must be a secret farm in the hills of Moravia. On this farm, are herds of six foot tall women running from field to field waiting for the farmer with his yogurt truck and beer barrels. Once a year he selects the best of the crop seek their fortune in the major cities.

Yes, I know this is crazy. After a few summer afternoons around the swimming beach you tell me the strange conclusions you reach as you sit drinking your beer watching tens of barely clad, and sometimes not, beauties walk passed. It is certainly an interesting challenge to keep your composure after a few beers when a beautiful topless woman wanders up to you in a crowd and tried to start a conversation with you in Czech. Makes those free lessons at work seem a lot more valuable. 

Setting the Stage

Some of the first things I can remember about the Czech Republic are probably the most indicative of my time here. I found a place to live on the second day of trying. A bit painful but it was settled. There are many people in Czech fishing for ex-pats. The worst part is not the price difference it is that they do not follow basic business tenets that they would follow in their country. I will not say that they cheat or steal from you, but they do with impunity, because the Czech authorities are not known for their effectiveness or concern.

That is not to slur the police. The police are for the most part professional and pretty much do not bother you if you let them eat their pečivo, baked goods. The key to the Mětské Policie, city police, is not to appear to speak any Czech. If you do not they will hassle you for your passport. A wise choice in Prague is not to carry your passport, because you can not leave the country without it. You must comply with all police instructions. All you have to do is to tell them that they have to take you home to get it. However, they understand not about wasting time with something that is going to take them far from their beats. Mětské are great they can tell you in German, French or Czech where something is. Thankfully, they rarely speak English.

I lived in New Town, Nové Město, which compared to Old Town, Staré Město, was new, but I lived in a historic building which is short for “no services available.” Modern services are all available a block away. I lived on the historic block where the city of Prague sells movie companies space to shoot. It is a convenient place to shoot since there are tram rails and wide streets for their trucks and cameras. After living there for a while, I realized that historical means really long time between repairs.

When you really look around my old neighborhood, you see that there are lots of things going on. There are several restaurants, bars, three schools and many shops only a short walk from my door. A block away is a 400yo convent and at least three internet sex companies, a meat-market bar-dance club and two brothels. Just in case you can not talk someone into coming home with you at the bar. There are always friendly girls a little farther down the street. Yeah, my shop neighbor hood had ultra-convenient one-stop shopping for poon’tang. On Saturday night, there were more than a few places to “sew your wild oats.”  My neighborhood had an end-to-end solution, however unsavory the final state may be. If your Saturday night is good enough and you wake up praying for crop failure. By Monday morning, then there is a place to seek salvation or a new name and a job as a friar.

Rarely is a stack of old rocks and wood that makes the memories. I realized that  I was not in Florida, when I noticed something moving in the shadows against the wall of the local meat market. As I approached I saw that it was a pair “coupling”, for lack of a better term, against the wall. Trying to retain a modicum of American dignity, I tried ineffectively not to watch. After a moment or two,  there I was gawking from 15ft (4.5m) away. Making eye-contact with her shook me from my malaise. Unphased, they continued against the wall, her bare thigh in his right hand her arms under his shoulders. I became self-conscious when she blew me a kiss. So I walked into the club.

Later, she returned to the club sans her friend. When I made eye-contact again with her, I saw I was in over my head. I will not say she was a pro, because that is not nice. I will say that everything I knew about the way the world worked was being rewritten as I stood there. After a few minutes speaking to her she was certainly someone new to “talk to” and maybe she could “show me around town.” Needless to say, the first week in Prague set the stage for many new experiences. None of which happen to most of anyone I have ever heard of in America. Unless you think the stories in the skin rags are true.

Bohemia

Bohemia is the northern Kraj, kingdom, of the Czech empire. It has been the center of Czech power for the last thousand years. The “Center of Czech Power”, seems a bit of a difficult call to me, but it is certainly the site of their greatest resurrections and home to some of their delightful treasures. Prague’s hidden treasures can always be found throughout the millions of passages through Old Town.

There are so many tiny, secret places in Prague. Prague’s forefathers meant her to be explored over and over again, after two years it is hard to say I know more than a small fraction of the alleys and passages in Old Town. As fast as a little pub behind the old Synagogue springs up, Czech business skills will have renovated (rekonstrukce) it. Its next reincarnation will no longer be the first church of the foamy topped delight, but an underwear shop, or better yet, another Erotic City.